Tomorrow....

It will be 2 years... doesn't get any easier. Dreams get more vivid of you. They almost scare me sometimes. I miss you so much!

I love you!

and by the way... we all say, "Thanks Mom!".. you know why!

It's been a while..

and I'm forever thinking of you!


Found this pic of you...


.. and what you wrote on the back..

I Love You Mom!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day Mom!


I love you!! Everyday I think I get better dealing with you being gone the next day proves me wrong. I just want you back!


... Missing you so much everyday!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Was just thinking of you today on what would have been your 60th birthday!! Happy Birthday!!


I miss you soo much Mom. While some things may have gotten easier to deal with, other things have been harder. I'm still not satisfied with the thoughts of never seeing you again. It seems like a cruel long joke life is playing with me. My mind cannot except that you are gone forever. It simply just can't.

I love you Mom!

Today at 12:30am

Hey Mom,

Do you remember what you were doing 30 years ago at 12:30am?? ....HAVING ME!!! I know, I know, a Haffy Birtday Crystal! It's my birthday today and I hate it knowing I won't hear that directly from you. But I will play my message on my phone today as if it's my birthday message from you.

Last night I had a dream that I went to my mailbox, when I opened it there was a light pink, dirt covered, folded up envelop. I never opened it in my dream but now I keep wondering if that was your way of trying to give me my birthday card.

Anyways, I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you today as I turn 30 and I really wish you were here with me to celebrate it. I know everyday when I look in the mirror that you will always be with me because I am part of you and I see you in me, but I'm sad knowing I'll only receive one phone call today instead of two. I wish I could talk to you today Mom.

I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my Mommy you'll be!

I Love & Miss you so much Mom!

P.S. I keep opening my fridge hoping there will be a Black Forest Cake in there.. If it's at all possible MAKE IT HAPPEN! I won't freak out I promise! Ha, ha, ha! Aw, I miss you!

Rest In Peace Mom

Originally written:

December 1, 2007

RIP Mom! I love you soooo much!

I lost my mom today at 2:49 PM. I'm so lost at this point as what to think. I just knew I would see her again. She became very sick this past Wednesday, she called me from the hospital from her cell and was rushed off the phone by the doctors. Not that her little' hard headed butt should have been on a cell phone in ICU anyways. I'm happy I got to say that I love her and she did too... but I'm not satisfied with that. Nobody saw this coming... she would have been 59 the 21st of this month. I am traveling to Texas as I'm writing this to say my final goodbyes. All I can think about is everything she always did to help me...and all of my siblings as well. I know she was suffering for a long time and she's finally resting.... but I still wish she could of seen my boys grow up. They were like her kids too. I wish I could of been there by you in the hospital mom, I wish I could of held your hand, I wish I could of hugged you one last time. I love you so much!! We all do! Mom, I Love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my mommy you'll be!

Pacita Lucis Luna Van Dzura

December 21, 1948 to December 1, 2007

Yesterday was not the same

Originally written Easter 2008:

Soooo..yesterday waking up I realized how different all these holidays are...And it’s getting to me. You know the first people you usually call are your parents and having one less person to call has just been a lot to frigging deal with. I’ve spent most of my holiday’s with my mom and now it just doesn’t seem right. I guess I’m still in denial with the whole reality of her never coming back and me never talking to her again. It’s like I have this "Hope" for some reason that she’s just on vacation and I’ll be hearing from her soon. But she’s not. And I’m finding it harder these days to deal with the whole thing. I’ve gotten to the point of not wanting to unpack anything because I have so many things of hers that remind me of all the different times in my life spent with her. And then there’s all the new things in life I’ve been coming across that I want to share with her. With the thought shortly behind that says "Hey, Crystal she aint here." And then there’s the holidays... Which just suck period!

Yesterday was very different, the boys and I spent Easter with Kat’s parents. It wasn’t bad at all. But I just couldn’t pull myself to get passed the point of missing my mom hard yesterday though. I told myself last night that now it’s up to me and my sister to carry on the my mothers family traditions. Which means Ham on Easter, Turkey on Thanksgiving, followed by another Ham on Christmas. Each accompanied with all the fixin’s and by certain filipino’s fav’s. Aww, I miss my mom’s heavy accented voice saying, "Haffy Ister" (happy easter) LOL!
I know this is a very long process to go through and this type of thing takes time, a lot of time to heal and come to terms with the fact that some things will never heal. I know some days will be harder than others but I gotta push through. And that I’m not the only one going through it..But God damn! This is so hard and heart breaking. I don’t know, I guess all I can do is take the days one at a time...and eventually I’ll end up being my "normal self" once again.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!