Originally written Easter 2008:
Soooo..yesterday waking up I realized how different all these holidays are...And it’s getting to me. You know the first people you usually call are your parents and having one less person to call has just been a lot to frigging deal with. I’ve spent most of my holiday’s with my mom and now it just doesn’t seem right. I guess I’m still in denial with the whole reality of her never coming back and me never talking to her again. It’s like I have this "Hope" for some reason that she’s just on vacation and I’ll be hearing from her soon. But she’s not. And I’m finding it harder these days to deal with the whole thing. I’ve gotten to the point of not wanting to unpack anything because I have so many things of hers that remind me of all the different times in my life spent with her. And then there’s all the new things in life I’ve been coming across that I want to share with her. With the thought shortly behind that says "Hey, Crystal she aint here." And then there’s the holidays... Which just suck period!
Yesterday was very different, the boys and I spent Easter with Kat’s parents. It wasn’t bad at all. But I just couldn’t pull myself to get passed the point of missing my mom hard yesterday though. I told myself last night that now it’s up to me and my sister to carry on the my mothers family traditions. Which means Ham on Easter, Turkey on Thanksgiving, followed by another Ham on Christmas. Each accompanied with all the fixin’s and by certain filipino’s fav’s. Aww, I miss my mom’s heavy accented voice saying, "Haffy Ister" (happy easter) LOL!
I know this is a very long process to go through and this type of thing takes time, a lot of time to heal and come to terms with the fact that some things will never heal. I know some days will be harder than others but I gotta push through. And that I’m not the only one going through it..But God damn! This is so hard and heart breaking. I don’t know, I guess all I can do is take the days one at a time...and eventually I’ll end up being my "normal self" once again.
I MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!